The 'J' word

Good evening everyone! I'm in a sad situation - literally and emotionally..


I've been training myself to control my jealousy lately. I was constantly jealous of anyone, about anything, probably just a teeny tiny detail and I would get excitingly competitive. Of course things are competitive at times. Each time when my friends or cousins had something better than me, I had mood swings and gets emotional easily.

'This feeling impacts negatively on our lives and it tends to bring out the worst in us, even though we all know better.'

Nevertheless I still hated it.. It annoys me. Most of the stories in the Bible also relates on this word 'jealousy'. I force myself to believe that jealousy only leads me to depression, disappointment and so on.

This 'J' word is ruining my life for now. It hit me so hard! Good thing I know how to tolerate. In this hectic place on Earth, I'm kinda rotting inside. Actually, I've been trying to keep abreast with the condition of my life. Probably just a growing teenager who's seeking her own true identity. Perhaps one day life would be better. For all. I have so much to learn and such a long way to go.. so why ruin it from the start?





I wish things are always good - but they can't be coz the world is full of good and evil, lessons and mistakes. I feel awfully disconnected to the world when I did something terrible. I'm clumsy. Obviously. I don't know where to start or where I'm heading I'll just walk on any path that I seek, that is, in my own eyes, are towards great things and ended up lost. To tell the truth, I had no idea what my pure talent is. Everything I've done is always halfway, and everything I intend to succeed in turns out to be crap.





I once heard somewhere that jealousy is a combination of fear and anger. Well, it's pretty true to me. Now I understand how to overcome it. Although I dislike it so much!! When I started to feel jealous, I calm myself down and try to let it go and at the same time I'll try to find my inner peace. - Saying to myself that I'm better and trying to find the bad things about that person/condition/things. 



Like others, I had unhealthy and healthy jealousy. Sometimes jealousy just teach us something - something that we intend to improve by ourselves for our own good. For example getting good grades in school, personal relationships and maybe financially too. (If you get what I'm saying). I talk a lot about the negative side of me lately. Probably because I just need a place to express it, to tell people about it and make this world a better place for me. I still wonder why I need to be jealous huh..like my life is getting any better!
I believe that everything happens for a purpose. Or maybe it's just me with my wonderland. 
God knows and God Bless.